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Finally the weight, psychically now translating into the physical,
was so heavy that I had to go up and lie down&
"It got heavier and heavier and worse and worse, so I took 25
gamma. Will came up from time to time and was very sweet and
solicitous. There was the same back-urinary-genital pain as in
the peyote session, but not so bad. There was very little imagery
-- sort of slipping between levels of drug, consciousness, and
sleep. But while it was going on, I knew that one of the pieces
of it which made it so hard from me to manage was being lifted.
It makes no rational sense and I can't explain it, but some part
was lightening for me, thank heaven.
"It still isn't good, and I'm not functioning top level, and
when Will gets into one of those projection things I am
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devastated. In fact, last week I spent most of two days crying
helplessly. But finally I got to the bottom of it and it turned
for the better. Also, Will's projection... evidently resolved on
Friday with Mott before he picked up Carl Rogers. Things have not
been so bad since& and we had the first successful sex we have had
for me since he heard that he had to go into analysis."
February 8, 1962 (Pot and oliliuqui/morning glory seeds)
"Since I am going through so much just now I had probably
better record it. The present series started with my peyote
session at M.'s& As I perceive it, I got half-way through the
urethral state of development or hang-up and am in the process of
working my way through it. It has something to do with the core
of inadequacy and& it is the initiation point of the necessity to
control: out of which can arise projection and all sorts of
mechanisms& I don't think I project in space (perceive hostility or
sexuality of mine as belonging to someone else), but I probably
project in time (see and feel and experience someone in the
present as the way that someone else was experienced in the past).
I think I usually have inklings that I am doing this; as with J.
when I recognize the parts that belonged to my brother and
definitely to my mother&
"Anyway, what I have to report concerns several incidents.
Things have been on the rough side for Will and me since Dr. Mott
said he felt he needed analysis& There had been a bad time the week
before I went to SF& But from the moment he called his mother until
he saw her several days later he was loaded with hostility toward
me& After he saw his mother and stood up to her, it went away. We
did have a good time at the meetings, and I think he was very glad
that I had gotten him a ticket&
Digression first to report incident in SF. Tony Sargent
supposedly arranged for me to meet Frank Barron; actually it was
Stirling Bunnell who loused it up. It was almost a disastrous
evening; Stirling had told the Barrons a different time from us.
Tony had given us some Alice B. Tokla hashish (!) on the way over,
and Mike and I after hesitating and finding out what was in it
took it under the misunderstanding that everyone was and that we
would be staying at the Barrons. What the candy balls contained
was half a joint of pot and 50 seeds of what he called oliliuqui;
actually it was morning glory seeds which seem to have the same
consistency or something the same as oliliuqui. When we arrived
at the Barron's he was loaded with hostility (we didn't know we
were over an hour late); his wife is a neurotic babe who got
things mixed up; and they were rightfully so upset about our
coming in having taken drugs. Stirling was supposed to have
cleared this with Barron and he didn't. Anyway, when the drug
started working, it was as though something cut across down
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underneath the mood I was having& and I wasn't sad any more. I
wasn't happy either; it was a sort of floor under my feelings so
they couldn't fall below a certain point, but not much upbeat.
Then there was a feeling as though something cut the threads
of responsibility that I felt toward the other people. Instead of
being sensitive to what they were feeling and wanted and doing it
at cost to myself, I didn't want to move. When I found they were
going out to dinner, I asked if I could stay there. This created
consternation. Mike said he would stay with me. They wouldn't
let us stay in the house& we ended up following a white line to a
little place where we had tea and brandy and he had a hamburger.
I felt the opening of the drug, and at one point the real sweeping
openness like LSD. So I think that these seeds may be our answer,
for the group&
Report of May 16, 1962
& During the peyote session at M.'s it was as though my whole
lower abdomen were carved up with knives by my family when I was a
child. I felt that the lines were interrupted, so I didn't know
(through feeling or whatever) the connection between the bladder
and urethra -- the uterus and the vagina. Also, I postulated that
this cutting of connections leads to or rather sets in great
feelings of inadequacy (Inadequacy is probably first felt when the
child is born and must breathe, eat and eliminate for himself).
Thus the inadequacy that a child might feel when he is expected to
control his bladder (too soon, developmentally, the child being
physiologically incapable of it) will generalize to the sexual
area and there will be feelings of sexual inadequacy which are
intensified the more the individual acts out, because he will feel
that he is out of control or unable to control himself, which is
the initial (developmentally understandable) difficulty.
"Anyway, after the night of working through the blocks, the
next morning it was as though there were warmth down in the lower
abdominal area (bladder and uterus) -- as though a healing process
were going on. And it felt as though the area were breathing in -
- were pulsating like a flower or a flower-like mouth -- taking
things into itself legitimately. In other words, I guess it was
the experience of the right to be nourished in that area& Anyway,
the wonderful thing for me is that there was warmth, healing,
growth, and an incorporative movement which was wonderfully
pleasant and right. Also, for the first time in what seems eons,
I was growing through pleasure rather than pain; or rather through
something that felt good rather than feeling bad. This should be
helpful in uncrossing crossed pleasure-pain wires.
"One other point that I made a short note about. I still
have remnants of the feeling of tragedy that it is not going to
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work out between Will and me -- that something will happen to
prevent it. I feel it is tragic; it will be something like an
accident or something beyond our control& This feeling is so
disturbing& that I am considering talking to Dr. Mott about it, if
he will see me. I don't want to interfere in any way with the
ongoing process of Will's; that is most important. But this would
help me enormously& "
In early September 1962, Will was fired from his important
executive job, a job which had been his stability factor for over
16 years. It came, according to him, without any apparent
warning. And just when his analysis with Dr. Mott was really
beginning to help. We were in for some very bad times. However,
my next LSD session was an oasis in the desert.
(LSD session on my birthday, September 29, 1962; I took either 100
or 125 gamme; Will took 25 gamma.)
& as the drug took hold, I was wracked with nausea. It was
first the reptiles: I had to swallow reptiles. It was this way
on all levels: the little girl who couldn't stand lizards and
snakes and things; the built-into-the-protoplasm fear-hatred or
rejection of the reptilian by the mammal. And I saw that when one
becomes a reptile too early, then one is cold-blooded and
calculating; after having become fully a mammal, one must
incorporate the reptilian so that pain doesn't hurt so much.
"The next things I had to swallow were the rodents; then the
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