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each person s hidden agenda dictates the outcome. Rarely is it
harmonious.
Another type of hidden agenda is when one or the other
of the participants in a relationship feels that he or she must
have an equal say or wants to control the way the relation-
ship functions. So he or she keeps score. For instance, a woman
might complain to herself, Last time we went out, he decided which
movie we were going to, so tonight we d better see the movie I want or else!
Now, she may not be aware that she keeps score. The agenda
to be in control and have the fi nal say keeps score. She just
feels that now it is her turn to say which movie they are going
to see.
We have a friend who always resented that her parents
seemed to favor her brothers. She grew up feeling certain that
men got special treatment and was out to prove not only her
equality but also her superiority. She told us that when she
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35
chose men to date, she had the agenda to pick those who were
less educationally pedigreed, and her whole approach was
adversarial. If her partner seemed more intelligent than she, she
would express her insecurities by picking a fi ght. Her whole
strategy for a successful relationship, prior to bringing aware-
ness to her way of relating, was to intimidate and dominate. It
didn t allow for much in the way of intimacy. Her life choices
were controlled by her unaware resistance to how her parents
related to the boys versus the girls in her family.
When you are operating through an unaware agenda, you
do not listen to what is being said. When you have an idea or
a plan about the way something is supposed to go, you only
see the relevance of what is being said as it applies to your
agenda. True listening is a function of intentionally re-creating
the point of view of another. If you are operating through an
agenda, you cannot possibly see another s point of view. You
can only see it in relationship, in agreement or disagreement,
to your preferences.
FALSE HOPE
Agendas often blind you to the truth of a situation because, as
it was with Roger s 6 percent, you have a strong preference for
life to show up the way you want it. Here is an example: Julie s
husband told her, I need to get my own place for a while. It is
not personal to you or the kids, but I need to be alone and think
about my life. I love you and don t want to be with anyone else;
it s not about that. I just need some breathing room.
Although this was very diffi cult for Julie, she supported
him in his move. This is not to say that fights did not erupt, but
all things considered, it went smoothly. The couple kept things
relatively friendly at first and continued to be sexually intimate.
It was hard for Julie to see him get a lease for his new place and
furnish it, complete with rooms for their children to spend the
night. But through it all, he insisted that it wasn t necessarily
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36
permanent. Just give me time, he would say. If you re upset
all the time, you ll turn the kids against me.
Julie waged a battle within herself to stay centered. In her
heart, she loved him and dreamed that things would return
to the way they had been as she remembered them in the
early days of their relationship. And the sex was all the more
intense because it wasn t so frequent, and she really wanted to
be with him when she could.
Each time Julie went for an interlude at her estranged
husband s house, it was more and more like a home. First the
carpets, then the curtains, then the small touches that he had
not wanted to be a part of when they had created a home
together. One day, while in his bathroom, Julie noticed con-
doms in his medicine cabinet. She confronted him. Why do
you have condoms? We certainly don t need them! Julie knew
full well that her husband had had a vasectomy after the birth
of their second child.
It is not my intention to have sex with anyone else. I have
condoms in case something were to happen. You know how
important it is to have safe sex in this day and age. I honestly
don t plan to be with anyone else. Why can t you believe me?
Even after Julie overheard a telephone conversation her
husband was having with his assistant, where she caught
him telling this woman that he loved her, Julie actually still
defended his actions to her friends and swore he was coming
back to her.
Things devolved from there, but Julie still did not want to
see the truth. She really wanted to believe that he was sincere.
Another way to describe Julie s agenda to have her husband
back is false hope. She desperately hoped that he would come
home, and this acted like a powerful drug, dulling her senses to
the reality of the situation.
Haven t you from time to time made choices where, in ret-
rospect, you said to yourself, What was I thinking? P. T. Barnum
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37
once said, You can t fool an honest man. Well, you can t fool
an honest woman either. Julie s unexamined hidden agenda to
have her husband come home no matter what kept her from
being honest with herself.
PROVING YOUR INDEPENDENCE
Drew is a handsome entrepreneur who is dating and looking
for a relationship. But as a young child, he defi ned himself by
being independent. If his mother, father, or friends made a
suggestion or request, he routinely did the opposite. In some
ways, this behavior may actually have helped strengthen his
stamina to get things done. Drew often surprised his family
and friends by persevering in the face of terrible odds, but it
never occurred to him that many of the challenges he faced
were of his own making.
One Friday evening, Drew had a date with a lovely lady
in whom he was very interested. He was supposed to leave at
seven to pick her up for dinner and a movie. But he didn t begin
to get ready until 6:30, which was not enough time to shower,
shave, get dressed, and get to her house on time. It wasn t as if
he d been busy all day. Instead, he had goofed around, whit-
tling away the hours until he was so pressed that he could make
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