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spelled I-R-M-A!
And wonder of wonders, she loved him too!
Galactic Troopers didn't fall in love. There were specific regulations
forbidding it. But Bill didn't care, mad, headstrong fool that he was. Could
he finally, after all this time, feel something stirring in this boot-
camp hardened heart? Sweet, gentle emotion!
Ah, sweet dear Irma!
With a lilt in his step, a song in his heart, alcohol in his brain and
cirrhosis at the doorstep, Bill stumbled up the steps to the hotel. The clerk
in the lobby was only too happy to tell Bill that Miss Irma had checked into
Room 122, and that she was expecting him, apparently, having just ordered up
two bottles of champagne and a rare sirloin steak from Room Service.
Bill grinned sappily.
His heart beating out the rhythm of his passion, Bill stumbled down the
hallway, looking for the room.
Eventually, the numbers "1-2-2" reared up before his fevered eyes. He tried
the door. It was locked.
He knocked.
There was no answer.
But what was that? Bill thought he heard sighs of passion from within.
"Irma, my shweet!" he called out throatily. "It is I, Bill, your beloved. Let
me in, darling."
There was the sound of sudden screams and breaking furniture. Bill's head
pounded with alarm.
Was something violent going on in there?
Irma was in trouble.
"Don't worry, Irma!" Bill called. "I'll save you."
He backed up, ran forward and aimed a great Camp Leon Trotsky-trained shoulder
at the wood. One slam, that was all it took, and Bill crashed through the
flimsy door. He staggered into the darkened room, bellowing, "Irma! Irma!
Where are you! Irma!"
He immediately slipped on the empty champagne bottle and crashed face first to
the floor.
He blinked blearily up from his sprawl on the ground, only to find two faces
staring back at him, poking out of the covers of the big brass bed.
One belonged to Irma.
The other face in the bed belonged to the evil Dr. Latex Delazny!
CHAPTER 19
SHOOTOUT AT THE NO-GO CORRAL
"Irma!" cried Bill. He blinked his eyes, bulged and popped them in
astonishment at the sight before him:
his darling, the love of his life, under the sheets with his worst enemy, a
villain intent upon rule of the universe.
"Irma! I'm here to save you!"
He hurled himself forward then squealed to a stop and Irma called out.
"Stow it, buster," she snarled, training a derringer on him. "You harm a
single hair on my darling's balding skull and I'll put a slug of lead right
through your pinhead where, theory has it, you're supposed to have a brain."
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Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Tasteless Pleasure
"But but " stammered Bill. Reluctantly putting one and one together to get
a horrifying two. Slowly but inescapably, reluctantly, the horrible truth
trickled through into his consciousness and down between the alcohol loaded
synapses.
"This can't be true! You're my girl!" Bill croaked helplessly.
"Men! A gal says a few silly words, and you think you own her! Real life just
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ain't like that, buster.
You've been reading too many romance comics. Now split." She sneered at him
with contempt.
"But I
love you, Irma," he whined in sickening self-pity. "And you said you loved
me!"
"So I'm fickle. It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind." She snuggled
up to Delazny, nibbled on his shell-like ear. Clam shell, that is. "I have
found myself a real man!"
"But your father he said that while Delazny lusted after you, you always
spurned him! That was one of the reasons that good man went ga-ga!" He turned
to Delazny. "Irma was one of the reasons you wanted to plumb the secrets of
the Over-Gland! That must be it! You're here, you discovered the secret power
of attraction that drives women out of their mind, beyond reason.
"Actually, no, not quite yet," said Delazny. "Sorry, old sport ... that
happens tomorrow when Billy the
Kidney, the Jism Gang and I finish you and the opposition at the No-Go Corral
and then plunder the outlaw savings at the Ovum Bank. You see, the secrets of
universal power reside there." He looked at
Irma and smiled. "Irma and I just ran into each other in the lobby and we hit
it off at once."
"I realized how much I'd missed him. I was so naive, so priggish back in the
old days. So, if you don't mind old friend, and I do mean old
, why don't you split."
"And," Delazny sneered, "May I add my recommendation to that, pardner. Get
lost. I'll see you tomorrow at sun-up! Just make sure you order yourself up a
nice coffin!"
"Irma!" said Bill, feeling his vulnerable heart melting in his chest and
slowly dripping down to his heels.
"What's wrong with me
!"
Irma curled a disdainful lip. "Well, those fangs for one thing."
"You said you liked my fangs!"
"You just don't know how to treat a girl, Bill," sighed Irma with disdain.
"I can learn! Irma ... please ... give me another chance! Don't stay with this
villain. Come away with me now!" Bill fell to his knees, begging, acting the
complete idiot.
"Go, Bill. For my new love is absolutely mythic
!"
Bill's head was whirling, and there was only an ache in his chest now where
his heart should have been.
He turned and staggered shaken from the room, having severe difficulty
breathing.
Dr. Delazny!
Dr. Delazny and
Irma
!
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