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helpfully.
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"It is an icon unique in all the world, which with his dying breath the last
Bunji Lama described in detail," said Chiun, casting his eyes around the room
but avoiding the mantel over the crackling fire.
So it was that Remo Williams, trying to look everywhere but directly at
Squirrelly Chicane, spotted the sword-wielding golden statuette without a
face.
He blinked. He started to open his mouth, caught himself and slipped up to the
fireplace to stand directly in front of the statue, blocking it from view.
"Why don't you guys check the other rooms?" he said casually. "I got this one
covered."
Chapter 9
The minute the others left the living room of Squirrelly Chicane's Malibu
beach house, Remo turned, grabbed a goldplated statuette off the mantelpiece
and tried to find a place to stash it.
The redwood furniture was spare and modern. Not a single cushion to hide
anything under. Under the couch looked inviting, but knowing Chiun, Remo
figured that would be the first place he'd look.
That left the fireplace. Remo hated to do it-the statue wasn't his
property-but this might be an emergency. Whatever Chiun was up to, trouble was
sure to follow.
Remo tossed the statue into the fireplace so it landed behind the burning
log.
Except the log wasn't really a log, but some kind of papier-mache pseudolog.
The minute the statue hit it, the thing cracked in half with a mushy sound and
a shower of sparks.
The statue lay in the flames and whirling bits of burning paper exposed for
anyone to see.
"Damn," said Remo.
He had no choice. He had to hide the damned thing. Getting down on one knee,
Remo reached into the flames. His hand went in and out so fast it was a pink
blur, driving a wall of air before it and pushing aside the hungry flames. The
hairs on the back of his hand weren't so much as singed when he pulled it out
again.
The statue was hot, though. Holding it lightly so the hot metal wouldn't sear
his fingertips, Remo rushed it over to the Bunji Lama's trunk and stuffed it
behind the mummy's squatting form. Then he closed the trunk.
When the Master of Sinanju returned a few minutes later, Remo tried to look
innocent.
Chiun, seeing his expression, said, "What have you been up to?"
"Nothing. Just turning the log." Remo pointed at the shattered log and kept
his face relaxed.
Then Kula stormed in saying, "I have found it! I have found it! The defaced
joss!"
And he held up the golden statue that was familiar to anyone who ever watched
an Academy Award ceremony.
"It is the joss that was foretold!" Chiun cried. "Exactly as foretold."
"It is?" said Squirrelly.
"This is your joss?" demanded Lobsang.
"Yes, of course it's mine."
"I found it holding open the door to the well room," said Kula. "Like a
worthless object."
"Yeah, I use that one for a doorstop. What's a girl to do when she has so many
josses?"
"It does not look like a Buddha," Lobsang said. "What is this joss called?"
"Oscar."
"Os-car? How came you by it?"
"That thing? Oh, I've only had it for a million years.
Just then, everyone noticed the smoke.
"Where is that smoke coming from?" asked Chiun, crinkling his tiny nose.
"It comes from the trunk of the old Bunji Lama," said Kula. "See? It has
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closed itself. Now it is smoking. The Bunji Lama craves our attention."
"Oh, hell," muttered Remo. "Here it comes."
Kula threw open the trunk. Pungent smoke rolled out. It smelled like a compost
pile on fire.
"What is it you wish to reveal, O Light That Was?" asked Lobsang of the
wizened form.
But the old Bunji Lama simply sat there, smoking. Then, all at once, his gold
brocade robe surged up in fire.
"It is being consumed!" Lobsang cried. "The old Bunji Lama is leaving us. What
can it mean?"
"It means," Remo said dryly, "that he caught fire."
As they watched, the mummy blackened, shriveled and collapsed into a pile of
sooty bones and ash.
Revealed was a statue of gold, blank of face and holding a sword point down in
his joined hands.
"Look," Kula gasped, "it is another faceless joss. Exactly like the first."
"It is a sign," said Chiun. "The Bunji Lama has offered proof that the joss of
the new Bunji Lama is the true one by magically producing its mate!"
"Is this truth?" Lobsang asked Squirrelly.
"Sounds good to me," Squirrelly giggled.
And at that, both Lobsang Drom and Kula the Mongol prostrated themselves
before Squirrelly Chicane, saying, "We are your servants, O Light That has
Come at Last."
With a shriek of glee, Squirrelly Chicane cried, "I'm the Bunji Lamb! I'm the
Bunji Lamb! I knew it! I knew it! I have such awesome karma! This is better
than winning at 'Wheel of Fortune'!"
"It's Bunji Lama," said Remo unhappily.
Squirrelly was dancing around the room now. "Wait'll I tell my friends.
Wait'll I call my mother! I'm the Bunji Lamb. And I'm gonna be the Bunjiest
Lamb that ever was."
"This is the greatest scam that ever was," sobbed Kula, brushing a tear from
his eye.
Remo sidled up to the Master of Sinanju and whispered, "I hate to pop
everyone's bubble, but I stashed that Oscar in the trunk."
"I know," said Chiun.
"How'd you know?"
"Because I knew you had recognized the joss where the others did not when I
beheld the dazed look upon your pale face."
"Wait a minute! Are you telling me you took everyone out of the room because
you knew I'd stash the statue?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you just point it out yourself?"
"Because I have pointed out every other portent. It was someone else's turn."
"What about the other statue?"
Chiun shrugged. "Sometimes the gods smile twice in one day."
"Great. Now I'm a part of one of your con jobs."
"No one forced you to do what you did."
"So what do we do now?"
"Celebrate the good fortune of our Buddhist friends who have discovered their
long-lost high priestess," said Chiun.
"High is right," said Remo, eyeing the spectacle of Squirrelly Chicane as she
squatted down, and like an aging beatnik, began beating out a drum solo on
Lobsang Drom's bald and uncomplaining head.
"SO," SQUIRRELLY WAS saying after settling down onto a divan. "Tell me about
the Bunji Lamb. What was I like? Who were my lovers? Did I have a craving for
chocolate-covered cherries?"
They were seated in a circle about the room, on the floor, in lotus positions.
The maid had served tofu and carrot juice. Squirrelly was digging into a large
bowl of double-peach frozen yogurt.
Remo sat away from the others because he didn't like the way Squirrelly was
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eyeing him. If there was such a felony as lascivious gaze, she'd do the
maximum jail term.
"It does not matter what you were, Bunji Rinpoche," said Lobsang. "What
matters is what you are to be."
"Huh?"
"You are the Bunji Lama."
"You mean I was the Bunji Lamb."
"'Lama,'" said Remo. "Get it right."
Squirrelly frowned at her yogurt. "Llama. Isn't that an animal? I saw a herd
of them last time I was in Peru. They smelled worse than wet sheep."
Lobsang Drom intoned, "The Light That Is, you were the Bunji Lama in times
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